This heartfelt prayer captures the inner struggles of a priest serving in the midst of conflict. Struggling with questions of faith, duty and resilience, the prayer reflects on the challenges of daily life overshadowed by war. With tender honesty, it reveals the quiet strength of those who persevere and the search for hope and meaning in the midst of uncertainty. A powerful reminder of the capacity of the faith to endure, even when words seem inappropriate.
By Carla Bellone
Assistant to the Secretary for the Service of the Faith
God, is it wrong for me to say
that I’m not yet so upset or afraid
about the war itself,
that it somehow feels still so far away?
(because life goes on)
(because it has to)
…that instead, I’m more upset
about the little things:
the rising prices
the strikes
the late students
because of new checkpoints
or the fact that
the same students later
don’t talk about the war at all
(because life goes on)
(because it has to)
God, what then am I even supposed to do
when I talk about the war more than they do
when I can’t think of a single thing in my mission
that can’t include
some reference to, some strength or consolation for
a war that my people don’t even mention
a war that maybe they don’t even want me to mention
(because life goes on)
(because it has to)
God, I don’t know how to live these meantimes like they do
how to hold even one “What if” on my shoulder and still serve
while they’ve been raised to juggle fifty at once
while studying and working and shopping and cooking and planning, asking:
What if my brother is arrested?
What if our road becomes checkpointed?
What if they close my university?
What if dad never finds a new job?
What if the bombs fall here and not just there?
What if I lose my work because I’m from here and not there?
What if I have nothing left but still have to keep going?
(because life goes on)
(because it has to)
God, so much for « mission », for now I can only listen
and ask questions,
but is it wrong
if so far, the only best one
is « How are you? »
and staying long enough for not one
but two, four or six responses –
« What if’s » come to pass or « What if’s » rescinded
their trust bringing them out, one by one,
then, and only then, me maybe asking,
with some kind of unspoken hope,
« What’s next? »
(because life goes on)
(because it has to)
God, they ask me where you are
but do my answers really matter if they can’t find
where you are
in
how they are?
Finding you, cutting doors and windows out of their dead ends?
Finding you, sending « What if’s » that promise instead of « What if’s » that portend?
Finding you in the deep, tied roots that hold their towns together?
I suppose
that here – with them, seeking you, O God, in all things –
is where mission begins
because if life goes on
because it has to
You’re the one who can bend it
You’re the one who will bend it
towards some kind of hope
towards some kind of freedom
towards some kind of peace
all the words I haven’t figured out yet
how to credibly speak